Friday, August 15, 2008


Body count: 11 plus an innocent mailbox

This movie really has nothing going on, and for that, it's a masterpiece. The entire plot is as simple as a Teletubbies episode:

Boy meets gun...

Boy uses gun...

Boy becomes a rampaging psychopath that's soon destroyed by shell-less turtle creatures from the reaches of space.

It's such a juvenile premise that I applaud the people who paid for its production. But the applause stops quick when considering that one of those people is Charles Band, who was behind some of the best late '70s/early '80s low-art movies I've ever seen (TERROR VISION, THE DAY TIME ENDED, TRANCERS) but threw it all away to found the rancid Full Moon Entertainment and churn out enough PUPPET MASTER sequels to castrate the value of direct-to-video horror forever. The gentlemanly Mr. Band was in Austin in the fall of '06, where -- at a screening of his 3D epic PARASITE -- he kicked off the Q&A by telling a room full of people that he'd boned one of the actresses in the film.


I guess I should be content that, before his value had dessicated like a mummy's blood, he managed to knock out some enduring jams like this one. The first time I saw LASERBLAST was in 1982. I was 7 years old and watching TV at my dad's girlfriend's house. She had a punk teenage son who was a real buttwad and he often made me watch scary movies in an attempt to traumatize me. LASERBLAST backfired and I was completely head over heels for it. The stop-motion alien beasts...the performance from King Eddie Deezen as the spastic, rape-enabling Froggy...and OF COURSE the relentless power fantasy of taking down all who opposed you. As a tortured fat kid, Billy Duncan became my new personal totem animal.

Anyway, reminder again that at least the next four Weird Wdnesdays and Terror Thursdays will be back in the BIIIG theater where the biggest pile of fun can happen. Hope to see you there.

Stay blood,
Zack, TT


Doctor Biobrain said...

Wow, that sounds great. Too bad somebody put this in a theater too small for the people who only got in line forty minutes early. And not even a free beer consolation prize for having waited and getting turned away on the stairway. Oh no, I spent my Terror Thursday at HEB buying the shit I was planning to eat during Laserblast, and then sulking at home imagining all the glories I was missing.

Oh well, I guess one can't have expectations too high when it comes to free stuff. And what's odd is that I've never even SEEN the small Ritz theater as I've NEVER been able to get in, and actually kind of hope it's a sort of human meat grinder and that I was one of the lucky ones for not getting there sooner. One can hope, anyway.

Micah said...

Dude... you didn't mention the film's greatest asset, the always lovely and charming Rainbeaux Smith. Every time I watch this one I get mad that goofy Billy Duncan gets to hook up with her.

Regarding Charles Band (and setting aside his actress-boning proclivities), I consider him and his intentionally low-rent Full Moon Roadshow to be the closest we have (and likely every will have again) to William Castle and his ilk. Not saying that makes his recent films worth watching, but I admire the unique path that he's forged.

Zack Carlson said...

Dr. Biobrain -

Sorry you couldn't get in. I really hate having shows in the small room for this reason alone. Luckily, with the big summer blockbuster season behind us, it'll only happen on very rare occasions.

I'm working on a much larger human meatgrinder project that -- upon completion -- will reach entirely across 6th St.

Thanks for joining us in appreciating violent trash. Never grow up.

- Zack

PS: With a name like that, you should be able to get anything and anywhere you want.