PRISON !!! ...and other places.

Body count: 17

Oh, vengeful prison ghost...will you ever win?



Renny Harlin was much kinder in his video intro for the film than he was when he initially emailed us about it. The fact is that he was ashamed and confused that we were playing the movie in the first place. Hopefully it doesn't sound ungracious for me to say that (with the possible exception of THE ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLANE) this is pretty clearly his masterpiece. It's kinda shocking that there was nothing between this and NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4, which doesn't pack 1/10th the guttural machismo and gristle that this one has.



All the performances are strong, as if everyone involved was under the impression that this was going to be a strong chapter in their careers. And by all means, it shoulda been. By this point, the '80s horror wave was plenty ready for new monsters, and a murderous prison is about as big and tough as they come.

One thing struck me...for such a lowdown, greasy-grimy-n-gritty prison picture, there's not one scene of forced, uh, romance between the inmates, which -- for better or worse -- seems to be a crucial staple of incarceration exploitation. And I was impressed that there wasn't an unnecessary attraction subplot much less shower scene for the film's lone actress. Mr. Harlin, despite your involvement in EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING, I salute you.

Anyway, thanks to the aforementioned Finnish gentleman for the video he sent in for us to enjoy, and moreover, for making this damn movie. It's fun and gross and violent and gross and gross, and I think everyone liked it real good.

* * * * * *

I was sad that I missed PUMPKINHEAD, but through an unlikely sequence of events and the endless kindness of one Justin Ishmael, I ended up attending the San Diego Comic-Con instead. Big thanks to forever pal Tim Doyle for filling in for my absent ass and singing the praises of the recently departed Stan Winston. If you enjoyed PUMPKINHEAD, please don't watch the sequel PUMPKINHEAD 2: BLOOD WINGS (!!) in which the backwoods demonoid slaughters Soleil "Punky Brewster" Moon-Frye. I know that sounds like it'd be fun to watch, but I solemnly swear that it isn't.

To read my poorly worded, rambling coverage of Comic-Con, click on this thing: * !

See you at SLITHIS, which stars the biggest hambone in no-budget film history!!!

Stay blood,
Zack

THE UNSEEN !!!

Body count: 5


Oh, that face. Look at that face.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting so many people to like this movie, but it turned out there was much discussion after last night's show about the legitimately impressive performances from all three members of THE UNSEEN's psychotic family. I agree; though I spent the whole introduction yakking about Stephen Furst's masterful performance as Junior, both Sydney Lassick and Lelia Goldoni deserve some credit for pulling off some major drama in a minor movie.

Sidney Lassick:

...was a seemingly one-trick pony character actor who was actually able to reach beyond his high-pitched whiny nebbish traits and play some downright compelling roles. Though he's most easily recognizable as volunteer inmate Charley in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, his skills were all over the place for decades, as everything from a corrupt pet shop owner in ALLIGATOR to an employee of transvestite David Carradine in SONNY BOY. But his part in THE UNSEEN has got to be his most unleashed assault of the acting profession. Especially the (pretty damn long) segment where he relives his sexual war with his father, as he has a one-man argument opposite the old man's rotted corpse. The facial expressions Lassick pulls out in this scene are enough to render this new-fangled CGI bullshit obsolete. Not what is commonly referred to as a nuanced performance, but who wants that anyway?

Lelia Goldoni:

...is pretty goddamn incredible as the anguished sister/wife/mother. Her talent becomes a little less of a shock when considering she was initially one of the stock players for John Cassavetes in his early directing days. She still works, though THE UNSEEN was unfortunately indicative of the state of her career at the time, playing low bit roles on TV and often going uncredited altogether. Apparently she's never even watched THE UNSEEN, which brings me to the unfortunate shame that seems to just about emanate from the film...

Both director Danny Steinmann and closet co-writer Stan Winston (R.I.P.) were unhappy with the final product and opted to go uncredited. The film was credited as being directed by "Peter Foleg," which is a really weird fake name to adopt, if you ask me. But greater than the Foleg mystery is: Why was Steinmann so down on THE UNSEEN? It's unlikely that any imperfections in the film would have sullied his reputation as a filmmaker...I mean, this is the same guy who had a pregnant teenage girl thrown off an overpass into freeway traffic in SAVAGE STREETS just a couple years later. And I honestly think THE UNSEEN is worlds better than his stanky FRIDAY THE 13th PART 5, which is arguably the first film to put a dent in the franchise.

I'd also like to give credit to the makers of THE UNSEEN for setting a dark, gruesome, incest-laced horror film in the Dutch kitsch tourist community of Solvang, California. A truly wack move that makes the movie all the more unique. If you're ever driving by that city, I insist you turn in. There's a huge Pea Soup castle and really good pizza and all the women have pigtails and funny shoes and many of the men wear liederhosen.

Stay blood,
Zack

PS: Speaking of Stan Winston: he died last month after a lifetime of creating incredible effects for some of the most enduring horror and science fiction films ever made. We had already scheduled his directorial debut PUMPKINHEAD to play as July 24th's Terror Thursday, so now it's unfortunately a memorial screening. So bring your favorite flesh-ripping beastopoid and pay tribute to a lost master of false violence!

THE DEADLY SPAWN !!!

Body count: 8

"You know what I've always wanted? A giant ceramic gorilla. They just don't make fine porcelain replicas of the great apes."

That is just one of many incredible lines of dialog in this monster masterpiece. That and the masterfully delivered "What the FUCK was THAT?" just about brought the house down last night. Not to mention the absolutely bone-slamming final shot.

Other highlights:




...and I can't find a photo of the carnivo-worms eating their way out of the psychologist dad's eyesockets so just pretend that picture's here now and you're looking at it.

See some of you next week for THE UNSEEN, featuring our most offensive pre-feature trailer reel of all time.

NOTE: In the photograph at the top of this post, that alien is totally touching the blonde guy's dinger.

HOWLING 2 - WEREWOLF BITCH !!!

Body count: 46 (...if you include werewolves, which I of course do.)

Whoa. Wow wow wee whaaa.

What a great night. I don't know if I've ever been part of an audience so invested in truly enjoying a questionable-caliber monster movie. I'd like to heartily shake the hand of everyone in attendance for seeing the greatness of HOWLING 2.

Let's reminisce:

- For christ's sake: THE FIRST SCENE IN THIS MOVIE! Try to push aside the swirling vortex of exploding eyeballs and bared bazoobers and think back to one of the most bizarre opening segments of the '80s:


Who's brilliant idea was this? Something tells me it isn't how the novel version opens. Speaking of which, who writes a book called "Howling 2" as mentioned as the film's source material in the opening credits? Sure, I'm illiterate, but I've always been under the impression that sequel titles were reserved for movies and steered clear of bookshelves. Now, a work of fiction bearing the title "Werewolf Bitch"? There's a Danielle Steele-level bestseller.

- Then there's these guys:


All right. I've been to Los Angeles. I know about all the goofballs and wasteoids there. But my only issue is that these fellas are played as the rough-and-tumble type, which is difficult to believe when their leader looks like a Beauty Bar version of Dennis the Menace. However, the nightclub they frequent (an actual '80s Hollywood goth dive called The Batcave) is about as great a location as you could ever hope for in a film. The fact that director Mora got 80+ actual punk kids to riot for a band like Babel is just further testament to his auteuristic prowess. Don't you agree, Christopher Lee?


"Yes, Zack. Yes, I do!"

The scene where the lowlifes are knocked off one by one in the warehouse is pure gold. GOLD!!

- But everything turns upside down with the arrival of our titlewolf STIRBA!:


Sybil Danning has accomplished a great deal in her artistic career, but this role has just GOTTA be the pinnacle. And I'm saying that for THIS REASON...


...THIS REASON...


...and THIS REASON...


...moreso than THIS REASON:


Seriously, despite the nudity, she is one hell of a werewolf superprincess. From her performance to her clothing to her wily methods of quasi-incestuous seduction, she was the queen of the screen. She can even shoot lazer-lightning out of her fingernails, for Pete's sake!

But, as the room's applause proved, the REAL star of the film wasn't the heroic Reb Brown, the pure-hearted Annie McEnroe or even fearless monster destroyer Christopher Lee. Oh, heaven's no. The Oscar goes to one man and one man only. Ladies and gentlemen:


Thanks again for making this one of the best Thursday nights ever upon this stinkin' planet! Alamo buddy Reb Hibbert was so moved by this show that he has offered to help figure out how to bring Sybil Danning herself out for another presentation of the film in the future! How does that sound to you? I say: YEEEOOOWWWW!

See you next week for THE DEADLY SPAWN! Do not miss!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay blood,
Zack

Why Going Outside Sucks - part 1

Hey, all. Weird Wednesday wizard Lars just informed me that our Northwest exploitation programmer pal Dan Halsted was senselessly jumped and brutally beaten by the police for absolutely no reason!


Dan is a stand-up guy with excellent taste in movies, and I'm pretty certain he's not the type to go around committing felonies that would earn him such treatment. I mean, I'm no officer of the law, but I'm just guessin' that walking home with your friends isn't a major offense. Maybe the rules are different in Oregon.

Anyway, the article is HERE! Read it, get mad, throw a rock at the Statue of Liberty, do whatcha like! But give high-fives to Dan for surviving a brutal attack from Portland's finest!

You're a king, Dan! Lars and I would love to join you for a screening of MANIAC COP 2 as soon as you feel up to it...just give us the word!

Return from TROLL 2!!!

Hey, all! I'm just back and ready to rumble after spending three party-wild days in the mountains of Utah, USA for the NILBOG INVASION - TROLL 2 CELEBRATION weekend! I'm very, very, very, VERY excited about tonight's Terror Thursday screening of HOWLING 2 - WEREWOLF BITCH, but first I thought I'd share this Nilbog coverage I did for the regular Alamo web page. Hope you like it and cry because you regret not being there with us.

Here!:

The Rolling Roadshow that could never happen in a million years...has happened: NILBOG INVASION 2008!!

Yep, the Alamo's mobile Rolling Roadshow unit took off from Austin early in the morn on Tuesday, July 24 and ripped across the southwest to Morgan, UT to celebrate the worst movie ever made: TROLL 2. And what a celebration we'd prepared...35mm outdoor film screenings, a full-scale cast reunion, the writer and director flying in from Italy, a multiple-course Nilbog feast, contests, dancing, etc. Utah was in for a treat.

When we arrived, there was little evidence that the town of Morgan was aware of the impending partystorm. Tim and I met with the mayor and sheriff, who both gave a very tenuous green light to the proceedings, as if they feared we were a pack of bloodthirsty satanists coming to drink the blood of their grandchildren. After paying the bill at Pete's Spring Chicken Inn, we combed the streets looking for evidence of sweaty TROLL 2 anticipation, but found nothing...UNTIL we passed the local butcher shop:

Things were looking up.

Our confidence renewed, we set out to the field to begin preparations. Daniel, Josh and Justin began tackling our enormous screen and the Tims and I got things together for the opening night Dance and Eat party, which was to be held at the Morgan Academy of Dance and Tumbling just down the street from the screenings.

We decked the place out in Nilbog green in no time, just as folks started to pull into town:

The fans we met were unbelievable, and came from everywhere from Chicago to Los Angeles to New York to North Dakota and even Austria! They were all almost as spazzed out to be there as we were, and some were already in costume from the get-go. The locals seemed to keep a wary distance but we partied in spite. Darren "Arnold" Ewing's blues band Skinny Bob & the Blues Dawgs performed and two rowdy goblins danced along without breaking a sweat. As the twilight hour approached, we settled in for the first couple screenings: TROLL and the other Morgan-shot Italian/American horror film CRAWLERS a.k.a. TROLL 3. The crowd consisted mainly of diehards and TROLL maniacs but all had a great time and went back to their hotels and hovels happy.

Saturday was The Big Day, where the film's entire cast was going to meet up with screenwriter Rosella Drudi and infamous director Claudio Fragasso, and the mighty TROLL 2 itself was set to screen. From the morning, we knew the excitement had spread, as Utah residents arrived in homemade TROLL 2 t-shirts and even little old ladies walked their dogs over to the site to see what we were up to. The sun was high, the heat was on, and TROLL 2 fans from every nook and cranny of the earth made themselves visible.

First up for Saturday was a special surprise...even for us! Though Morgan's mayor had been reticent to appear at our event, Michael Stephenson had managed to get semi-local alternate mayor Dan Snarr to come out and award a foam Key to the City to Fragasso! He seemed a little confused by the entire ordeal, but was very happy to additionally be presented with a grant if he ever chooses to return to Utah to shoot TROLL II PART 2! Mayor Dan Snarr was a very nice guy and has a heartwarming mustache. Here he is with some goofball from AMERICAN IDOL.

Then we enjoyed THE CAST PANEL, where 22 members of the TROLL 2 on-screen family gathered to discuss their memories of the masterpiece's production. It was breathtaking and bizarre to see all of them together in one place. The audience asked many questions of the cast, half of which were answered by director Claudio Fragasso, who wasn't even on the panel but managed to get more than a word in regardless. He even got up in front of the room to try and remind Connie how to do her Holly dance again!

We then entered the POPCORN EATING COMPETITION, guest-hosted by that popcorn-devouring witch, Deborah "Creedence" Reed, who watched as several audience volunteers downed unhealthy amounts of buttery popped goodness.

Next up was the mighty JAVELIN TOSS, hosted by Darren Ewing who played Arnold in TROLL 2. Though his character finds himself on the wrong end of a spear in the movie, Darren seemed to love hosting the event and cheered the crowd on as they hurled wood into the ether at a vaguely Darren-esque target. Here's his daughter preparing to spear ol' pop.

Then we moved back inside for the FILMMAKERS' PANEL, where Fragasso and co-writer Rosella Drudi were joined by actors Michael Stephenson and George Hardy to reveal the long story of TROLL 2's production. Despite an unsteady mastery of our language, the Italian duo gave us many amazing tales of TROLL 2's genesis. Fragasso is a fascinating man and I wouldn't buy a used car from him.

As a special completist's event, we held a GUITAR HERO 2 SHREDDING WAR! The video game actually takes place at "Nilbog High School" and we weren't gonna let that go unrepresented at this most TROLL 2-iest of events! So digi-jammers from all sides competed for glory, including Mickie Pace, who played Betty the Goblin in the film. She was on fiyahhhhhh!!!!

We brought in Alamo chefs John Bullington and Trish Eichelberger specifically to create a very special NILBOG FEAST for the cast and Ultimate Pass holders. Though the chefs had to prepare much of the food outdoors on a grill in the alley, all agreed it was a five-star meal and even the sophisticated palates of the Italians were dazzled by the skills of our Alamo culinary wizards.

As the sunset began, folks gathered in the field to prepare for the main event. We played some shorts, including the Filmmaking Frenzy Troll 2 Fan Film winner OGRE by Chris Dasinger, who we brought out to the event as his prize. He also brought along two actresses from the film as well as the titular monster, who vomited in a bucket LIVE before the crowd. They were totally starstruck by him, and even moreso when the cast and filmmakers united again in front of the crowd to introduce their film.

Finally, it was the moment of truth. The projectors flickered to life and the first frame of TROLL 2 hit the screen. The crowd was enraptured, enlivened and filled with joy. It was a very moving experience to see the cast seated among the folks of Morgan and TROLL 2 fans from all corners of the Earth. Truly, a night of majesty.

Sunday featured more fun events, including the panel on Michael Stephenson's TROLL 2 documentary BEST WORST MOVIE, a baloney-eating competition (which Tim "The Glory Chomper" League totally dominated) and an extremely irresponsible display of explosive firepower to cap the weekend off. But everyone's hearts and memories were still radiating from the previous night's screening, which was a most unlikely bit of magic that will never take place again on this planet or any other:



Here's the link to our NILBOG INVASION Flickr photo page!!

(Special thanks to Michael Stephenson, Blair Sterrett, Chris van Campen and his family, The Morgan County News, Darren Ewing, George Hardy and the countless other people who made this all happen. I promise I'll never turn you into green goop and eat you.)

New blog! New TT line-up! Same old spastic jerk programmer/host!

Hello, pals.

Lars recently moved his Weird Wednesday weekly blog to this format, and he says it was a good idea. Since we both so enjoy embracing modern technology, I decided I'd do the same. So welcome to the new Terror Thursday weekly newsletter, where socially stunted cro-mags like ourselves will digitally convene to discuss the finer points of unwanted cinematic garbage!

This will all be starting the week after this, as I'll be out of town on the TROLL 2: NILBOG INVASION Alamo Roadshow event, and will be missing this Thursday's screening of CREEPERS (thanks for filling in, Lars!)

In the meantime, I'd like to present our brand stabbin' new Terror Thursday line-up for July and August, filled with bona fide humdingers. Please feel free to "comment" and tell me what you think!

Witness!:

HOWLING 2: WEREWOLF BITCH
July 3 Midnite, Free, Dir. Philippe Mora, 1985, 35mm, 91 min, R
This magnificently crippled sequel maintains none of the storyline, characters or logic from the preceding film. The plot and dialogue are so jumbled that it feels like segments have been removed at random. Despite the fact that it’s an American production, the whole affair seems badly translated and poorly dubbed. BUT...no other movie features one tenth the relentless onslaught of new wave lycanthropic mayhem you’ll find here! The titular antagonist is Stirba, an immortal she-wolf played by equally ageless ass-kicking plastic actress Sybil Danning, who has decided to gather an international pack together to assume domination of puny ol’ humankind. Enter monster hunter Steven Crosscoe, played by the legendary Christopher Lee; in devo glasses, no less. He’s aided by Transylvania’s anti-wolf force, which mainly consists of old men with torches and a very high-strung dwarf whose eyeballs later explode. As if that’s not enough, watch for magic beams, papier-mache heads and Mickey from PEEWEE’S BIG ADVENTURE having 3-way werewolf sex. (Zack)

THE DEADLY SPAWN
July 10 Midnite, Free, Dir. Douglas McKeown, 1983, 35mm, 81 min, R
Remember the days when a mouse was a small mammal instead of a computer component? Long for the days when effects artists used latex to create monsters and Karo syrup for blood instead of pixels and green screens? Then we’ve got a movie for you! Join us as we bask in the crimson glow of one of the most grandma-gnawingly, girlfriend-decapitatingly, ALIEN rip-offingly awesome movies to come out of the ‘80s…THE DEADLY SPAWN!! Born not of this world, an alien’s deadly spawn makes Earth its personal buffet and terrorizes a house full of unsuspecting kids, the youngest using his knowledge of horror films and Famous Monsters magazine to ward off these intergalactic eating machines. As close to perfect as a monster movie made for less than the price of a new Hyundai can be. You may want to steal an extra set of eyes so you can watch this twice! (Written by Justin, who has an actual gigantic DEADLY SPAWN tattoo!)

THE UNSEEN
July 17 Midnite, Free, Dir. Danny Steinmann, 1981, 35mm, 89 min, R
Horror films truly succeed when they can unlock the darkest places in our psyche. THE EXORCIST and the original version of THE HAUNTING are timeless because they prey on fears shared by untold numbers of people. But THE UNSEEN is the only film that dares tap into the universal root of all mankind’s deepest terrors: A Fat Retarded Guy in a Diaper. ANIMAL HOUSE’s Stephen Furst courageously portrays Junior, an animalistic cellar-dwelling schlub who loves his teddy bear only slightly more than the flesh of tortured women. But he’s not the only beast on display in this filth-caked morality-free incest bomb from the director of SAVAGE STREETS! Barbara Bach stars, having familiarized herself with hideous human monstrosities via her real-life marriage to Ringo Starr that very same year. (Zack)

PUMPKINHEAD
July 24 Midnite, Free, Dir. Stan Winston, 1988, 35mm, 86 min, R
This movie details exactly why I don’t piss off single dads that hang out with witches. Monumentally undervalued character actor Lance Henriksen plays Ed Harley, a hard luck ruralite whose adorable son Billy is fatally mangled by carousing teen tourists. If this story was shot in 1977, that type of offense would call for some serious shotgun vengeance. But in the late-’80s-tainted hands of special effects wizard/first time director Stan Winston, retribution takes the form of a ten-foot tall demonoid conjured by hillbilly sorcery and thirsty for young blood. And this isn’t your everyday towering hellcritter; Winston’s gargantuan white trash boogeyman cuts through the bayou fog with all the nigh-Lovecraftian rage of a dozen tentacled beasts drunk on Stroh’s. (Zack)

PRISON
July 31 Midnite, Free, Dir. Renny Harlin, 1988, 35mm, 102 min, R
Long before he lowered the national IQ with CGI sharks, Renny Harlin was a director of movies. And though he’d increasingly avoid quality through the remainder of his career, the power of his lone masterpiece PRISON is undeniable. Viggo Mortensen (!) stars as freshfaced convict Burke, one of hundreds of inmates to be relocated to a maximum security prison haunted by a vengeful, omnipotent force that will stop at nothing short of total annihilation. To dismiss the entity as a “ghost” would be like referring to Eric Clapton as “white”... this paranormal maniac is pure spectral evil unleashed, using every method possible to rend all life from the face of the earth. Witness countless creative fatalities as cops and cons alike are broiled, decapitated, lacerated, mutilated, fileted, electrocuted and sliced to ribbons by autonomous razorwire! Not recommended to anyone who respects police or human beings. (Zack)

SLITHIS
Aug 7 Midnite, Free, Dir. Stephen Traxler, 1978, 35mm, 86 min, PG
Los Angeles is a shitty place. In fact, Southern California’s golden hub carries such a legacy of toxicity that it was only a matter of time before Nature fired back. Enter the Slithis, a shambling radioactive behemoth that prowls the choked waterfronts of Venice and works its way up the food chain from lapdogs to bipedal meat. Thank christ that local high school journalism teacher Wayne Connors is hot on the monster’s heels, aided by an assortment of equally useless schmucks including a racist scuba diver, a woman named Jeff and a clearly inebriated biologist that lives in a geodesic dome. But of all of Connors’ dud cohorts, the blazing inferno comes in the swap meet-caliber performance/mental breakdown from spastic bit-parter Hy Pyke as the furious police chief, who I can only compare to a rabid Danny DeVito snorting ground-up infant spinal cord from a shotgun barrel. (Zack)

LASERBLAST
Aug 14 Midnite, Free, Dir. Michael Rae, 1978, 35mm, 85 min, PG
It’s often said that absolute power corrupts absolutely, but an absolutely powerful alien laser cannon will - in addition - transform you into a drooling, green-skinned, unbearable subhumanoid butthole. Case in point: young Billy Duncan, a bullied teen who stumbles upon said intergalactic megaweapon and almost immediately unleashes a rampage of vaporizations and bedlam in his humble desert community. With each laserblast, Billy further mutates into a gloating killing machine, bent on taking out his years of bitter struggle on anyone in his path. This is exactly the type of movie that you saw on Channel 9 when you were in second grade and later disregarded as a Snickers-fueled nightmare. With much impotent hand-wringing from girlfriend Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith and a local professor (Roddy McDowall in obvious need of a car payment), but most excitingly the Terror Thursday return of lord nerd supreme Eddie Deezen from SURF 2 as “Froggy”! (Zack)

DEAD & BURIED
Aug 21 Midnite, Free, Dir. Gary Sherman, 1981, 35mm, 92 min, R
The sheriff of a sleepy New England town makes all kinds of exaggerated upset faces when the local populace begins engaging in mass homicide. It seems that every other citizen in Potter’s Bluff is in on the dirty doin’s, including Robert “Freddy” Englund, all-American dreamgirl Lisa Blount and a charmingly feeble 90-year-old undertaker who couldn’t be more pleased by the sudden increase in his revenue. Though the film unfolds with Ray Bradbury-esque fairytale weirdness, there’s more than a few bucketfuls of shocking gore, including a downright brain-curdling meeting between a hypodermic needle and an eyeball. Director Sherman is the genius behind the mighty RAW MEAT and the equally grimy VICE SQUAD, but teamed with veteran effects maniac Stan Winston and screenwriter Dan O’Bannon of ALIEN and RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD fame, he becomes a rampaging geyser of heart-crushing terror. Seriously. (Zack)

10 TO MIDNIGHT
Aug 28 Midnite, Free, Dir. J. Lee Thompson, 1983, 35mm, 99 min, R
Everyone already knows that only two perfect things have ever happened in this goddamned world: Charles Bronson and horror movies. The idea of both of them colliding will send any sane person into dangerously violent entertainment seizures, but we’re so excited about this film that we’re willing to risk your life. Though Bronson’s masculine image immediately lands any of his films in the Action category, 10 TO MIDNIGHT is undeniably an ‘80s slasher masterpiece. A maladjusted young man falls into the habit of stripping to his birthday suit and stalking his female classmates. This soon leads to gruesome murder, and we’re treated to many shots of a naked maniac tearing people into shredded gristle. The only man who can stop him is...well, I’ll let you guess, but here’s a hint: He’s about ten million times meaner than a bag of Satans and he’ll shoot you 14 times for sneezing. (Zack)

...That's it! See you guys as soon as I come back from the great salt lake. I'll bring you back a...uh...dirt!

Stay blood,
Zack